Lonely Existence
by cherokeecaryl
Summary: Edward's family always said his life before Bella was horrible. Edward never thought of it as a life, he just existed. Being alone is difficult, but being lonely, and it's not the same, is the biggest fear in every person's life.
1. Chapter 1

**I submitted this story to Project Team Beta and they are so helpful! This story is so much better now that they are helping so I'm re-posting it. Thank you, PTB.**

**I also want to thank Lonely-Soldier because she is amazing and helps me with this little story all the time. Even if at first she didn't like that it was all Edward, she read it and reviewed. She is a great person :)**

**I never posted a disclaimer before and I don't like it, for me it's obvious. But I'm going to do this just once, just in case: NOT MINE, It all belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

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**Chapter one**

It was dawn, the awakening of a new day. I was watching the sunrise, like I have every day for the past eighty four years. It was another activity, or rather, another distraction I used to spend the time.

Humans often described sunrises and sunsets with such wonder in their minds. It was a beautiful sight. But I've seen too many, for me it held no interest; now I only watched them out of habit. But for them it was different. Their sunrises and sunsets were counted, they had a life. I had a boring, _endless existence_; there were few things that kept me entertained.

The thing that did keep me entertained, however, were mostly generic. Such as listening to music. I spent hours listening to music. It was my obsession, and sometimes something that kept me alive. Running was probably the second best of my distractions; I was the fastest in the family. The speed was so relaxing and liberating and it was even better when hunting.

Hunting was another distraction that was more of a necessity. Every week and a half I went on long hunting trips, far from any traces of human civilization. When I was hunting, I could be myself; I could run as fast as I wanted; I could let the scents invade me. If I suddenly lost control, like it happens with all vampires - except Carlisle - I know I wouldn't have to worry, I always made sure no humans were close when hunting.

I sighed as I looked at my watch. It was time to go back to the house and leave the little place that offered my mind silence. This was my favourite place. When I was here, I couldn't hear any voices or thoughts, no humans or vampires. It was so peaceful, and yet so lonely. I started the journey to the house and after a couple of minutes I heard the thoughts of my family.

_Edward buying a silver Volvo; Emmett destroying a coffee table; moving to Forks; Jazz and I hunting. It's so boring. There's nothing new!_ Alice was really upset, nothing new had happened.

_The new house is going to be lovely; the glass wall was an excellent idea._ I smiled as I heard this thought. Esme was so happy about the new house and its decoration. She was doing an excellent job with it.

_It's very sad to leave Denali and our friends, but it's time. I wonder if the Quileute's still believe or tell the stories about the Cold Ones. Even if they do, we have a treaty. They cannot reveal what we are._ Carlisle. I was worried myself; they knew our secret, whether they chose to believe or not was not important. They knew what the Cold Ones were, what they looked like, and _who_ the cold ones were. Their ancestors knew the name Cullen all too well.

_I'm so bored!_ Emmett. Nobody wanted to wrestle with him today, Rosalie Alice had shouted at him.

_Oh, let's hide our thoughts, Edward is here. God, not even in our own heads do we get privacy, and we have to be considerate with him? And why are we moving anyway. We are happy here! No one bothers us, we don't have to go to school; it's so much better. Emmett is so happy here with all the bears… In Forks we'll have to be happy with deer and the occasional bear or lion._ Rosalie, always complaining.

_I hope I develop a better control, I'll have to hunt constantly and breathe only when I speak, or if someone notices I'm not._ Jasper. I felt bad for him. It was harder for him than for the rest of us, but he was getting better, slowly, but better.

_Maybe I still have a chance; he's just a little difficult, that's all. Maybe show him what he's missing? Nobody has ever rejected me. What's so different in him? Just a few more days and he will give in, they all have. He's just taking more time._

Tanya didn't accept no for an answer and she couldn't understand why I refused to have any kind of relationship with her. I explained, but she never gave up. She was beautiful, but she wasn't what I was looking for. Even if I didn't know what I was looking for, I knew Tanya was not _Her._

_Her._ That's what I've been calling what I've been looking for since I was human. That's the term my mother used too.

Kate and Irina decided to just leave me alone after the first week, but Tanya was insistent. I had an advantage though; I could read her mind. As much as her thoughts disturbed me, it helped to know what she was planning, so I could get away from the situation. Alice helped too. She understood me. She even talked Tanya out of appearing in my room and putting on a show. Thank God for Alice.

That would have been bad, because that would have pissed me off. Everyone in my family knew that when I was angry, nothing good happened. It would have cut all our bonds with the Denali coven. And as for Tanya, well, I could never harm a woman but her self esteem would be gone due to the very long, detailed rejection speech Alice saw. I think that was one of the reasons she stopped Tanya.

I went into the house, hoping I could get to my room fast and finish packing. No one bothered me as I walked through the hallways, and when I finally arrived to my room I stepped inside and closed the door behind me. There wasn't much to pack, only a few clothes and books. My music was already packed carefully and so was my stereo. My room looked empty. Actually it always looked empty, no matter how much furniture filled the room… No life. My mind was filled with melancholic thoughts, and I was grateful no one could hear _my_ thoughts.

I was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Come in, Esme."

The beautiful, loving face of my adoptive mother came into view, always with a warm smile on it. "Good morning, dear. How's everything going? Do you need any help?" I smiled when I heard her motherly words and thoughts. She truly saw me as a son, just as I saw her as a mother.

"No thanks, Mother." Her eyes lit up when I called her that, and I meant it. She gave me the love only a mother could give, the only love I knew and she made sure I had it. "I'm done packing."

"Edward! You'll love the house. It's so beautiful; I've worked every little detail. I hope you all love it just like I do." I saw the house in her mind, and she was right; the house was beautiful. Simple, but elegant. "And I'm sure you'll love your bedroom."

"Room." I corrected "There won't be a bed in it. And yes I'll like it. And the third floor is all mine, thanks." I smiled at her and she smiled back, though she was a bit sad about the room remark. She saw it the same way I did; I had no one to share it with. I was alone and it was torture for her. I didn't care if I was alone. But Esme thought it was sad because I didn't know that kind of love.

Esme, Carlisle, and Alice were the ones with nice thoughts. The others used words like 'he doesn't know', 'he'll never find someone' or 'something is wrong with him'. Emmett's thoughts were the most annoying; everything was a joke for him. Of course Emmett would think that way. I was used to it, but I still didn't like it. On one occasion I got truly angry, and left the house for a month. When I came back, he apologised, but he still thought the same.

Esme's musical voice brought me back to the present. "We're all ready to go then." she said as if she was daring anyone in the house to disagree.

"I suppose we are."

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**I will post the second chapter soon because PTB already sent it! Yay!**

**Thank you for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to Project Team Beta for fixing this story.**

**And thank you PIC for pimping this story on twitter and helping me.**

**Who saw the banner Lonely-Soldier made for this story? i852(dot)photobucket(dot)com/albums/ab88/carlam90/Lonely_Existence_by_vegetarianvamps(dot)jpg**

**I love Pre-Twilight stories and one shots and wrote one about Maria's visit. I didn't invent that Maria visited the Cullen's, it happened. Edward said it in Midnight Sun. If you are interested it's here on FF net :)**

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Esme left minutes later to finish last minute details. I didn't understand what kind of details needed finishing - everything was perfect already. I took the last boxes from my room to the car. And it was done; we were moving. Again. I had to agree with Rosalie on this one - we moved too much. The longest we stayed in the same place was five years, six if we pushed it because we liked the place too much.

Humans often wondered why we never aged, especially Carlisle. It helped that the women at the hospital were 'in love' with him, quietly talking about his knowledge and skills. And, of course, his looks. It was not an innocent crush, it was wild imagination. I was glad Esme was not a mind reader; under that loving and caring personality was a very powerful, strong, protective woman that most likely would be furious about these fantasies about her husband, that were not hers, but his co-workers.

I was still outside when I heard someone coming. I closed my eyes already knowing who it was by her thoughts and scent. Tanya was behind me, screaming at me in her head.

"Edward," she greeted me. I opened my eyes and turned around, facing her.

"Hello, Tanya." I was wary. I knew why she was here. She was going to try to seduce me for the thousandth time.

"Why are you leaving so soon? I thought you were staying for a couple more days. Have we been that terrible to you?"

Yes, in a way, _Tanya_ had been terrible, but instead of saying this, I shook my head and smiled. "No, we appreciate your hospitality."

I never spoke much, only with Carlisle, Esme, and Alice. With other people, I only said short sentences. Apparently in this moment, I had to make an exception.

_Stay Edward, you'll be happy here, with me__. You'll be my perfect mate, and I'll be yours. We are both attractive; nobody will be better than us. I'll give you everything you've ever wanted; I'll be everything you've ever wished for. _Not this again, always the same silent words - every single time she thought the same thing.

"Tanya, to be someone's mate you have to love that person. We don't love each other, how can we be mates?" I said with an irritated tone. I was tired of this.

"With time we could fall in love, in the process maybe it will happen. Think about it, it's not so bad," she said, creating impossible images of our future in her head.

"You only want my face - that's not a secret. After a few months, if not weeks, you'll get bored. You don't want _me_. And I don't want you in that way either. I don't see you like that, you're my friend. Almost a cousin."

She hugged me, quite fiercely, in fact.

_But _I _don't see you like that._

"Tanya, please understand. I don't see you that way. Even if you had deeper feelings for me, I could never return them. I'm sorry, Tanya." I pulled away. She'd never stop trying, I knew that, but today, she was not going to do anything more.

_He'll change his mind_. No matter many times I explain it to her, Tanya never took no for an answer.

Alice came outside. Her thoughts clearly indicated that she was annoyed at Tanya for being so insistent, but her face had a friendly smile. She was a good actress.

"We're saying goodbye now." Her expression turned sad. _She was an excellent actress._ She wanted to leave, not that Forks was the most interesting place on earth, but she never liked Denali. For her it was like hiding, living in darkness, and even though there was no such thing as darkness for vampires, it terrified Alice. A very important part of her life, her human memories, were surrounded by darkness, and she hated that darkness because it stopped her from remembering. It was ironic how she could see things that hadn't happened so easily, yet it was the things that had already happened in the past that were inaccessible.

Tanya went inside, pouting all the way. I followed Alice, and the thoughts of my family invaded me again.

_He's crazy__. Tanya is probably one of the most beautiful women out there besides Rose and he's saying no to her? Something is wrong with him. Carlisle did something wrong when he changed Edward._

I looked at Emmett in a way that must have been scary, even for vampires, because when he saw the way I was looking at him, he started singing in his mind.

_I hope he finds the right person soon, but I understand wh__y he refuses to be Tanya's mate. She's not _Her. Esme knew about _Her, _I told her decades ago, before Alice and Jasper joined the family. Esme, Carlisle, and Alice were the only ones I told - they were the ones I trusted enough to give them that important information.

It was probably stupid, since it was one simple word, but for me it held a deep meaning, something that cannot be easily understood. I remembered being dragged by my parents to a wedding. On our way to the wedding I had said to my mother I thought it was ridiculous. Watching two people standing and saying words I found boring was not fun for me. My mother turned and said that maybe one day I will find _Her_, and that the only thing in my mind would be standing there with her, and I would be proud. I remember my words clearly; "If you say so, Mother." I was not allowed to disagree with my parents.

It was one of the few memories I had of my human life.

It was not that I didn't trust Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie. I did. I loved every member of my family, but I knew they would never understand, and if they did, they wouldn't give it importance, they would think it was unimportant and that I was making up excuses. They wouldn't care. Jasper, maybe, but I didn't want to take any chances.

The only problem with Rosalie and Emmett was that all they could think about was themselves. Rosalie was convinced I was going to be alone forever.

_If he didn't find what he was looking for in Tanya, he'll never find it. There is no way he'll find someone more beautiful. _

Always about appearances. How shallow could Rosalie get? And Emmett lacked tact, he was good for the big brother role, but he had to work on the understanding part.

_Edward will find someone. I__t took me two hundred years to find Esme, but I did, and I couldn't ask for more; she's perfect. It _will _be like that for Edward too, when he finds _Her. _It's taking some time, but in the end, everything will be perfect._ Carlisle was always optimistic. He had hopes, and he thought I should too, but they were lost, along with my humanity.

Jasper was not thinking about anything related to me, unlike the majority of the room. He was busy looking at Alice and holding her hand. I looked away; their eyes were so intense on each other. It felt like I was interrupting.

Carmen and Eleazar were sad. They liked having us all here in Denali, especially Carlisle. He was an old friend of theirs. They understood why we had to leave, but made us promise to call and write frequently. I liked Kate and Irina when they were not playing succubus vampires. They were nice and interesting.

When I came in the room, they were thinking about my rejection of Tanya, but immediately stopped when they saw me, they were considerate to do that. Kate was friendly, a lot like Alice, only taller and blonde. Irina was a bit more difficult, always questioning and angry; she behaved like the older sister. She was the most affected by Sasha's infraction and her death.

"We want to thank you for having us here in your lovely home for the last four years. I speak for all the family when I say we'll miss you," Carlisle said honestly.

"After all, you're family too," said Esme, her eyes held truth and love.

Alice was next, and she spoke at an incredible speed. "I'll miss doing your hair and make-up, and shopping with you, and dressing you up and..."

Rosalie, who was next to her, decided to stop he excitement before nobody could. "Okay, okay, you like having control over everybody's life, we get it," she said with a smile. "We'll really miss you, Alice is right, shopping with you was amazing."

"And you were always up to a fight, and rematch." This was Emmett, obviously.

He pointed at Irina. "You are a bad loser."

Esme sighed in exasperation. "How many times do I have to tell you? Pointing is rude."

We all laughed at that. Emmett was ninety years old or so, and he was still corrected like a child, even if it was a joke. Emmett laughed too, the loudest laugh in the room. That was something I loved about Emmett - he could take a joke.

"I'm a bad loser? Then what are you Emmett? I'm going to film the next time you lose," Irina said with a smug smile. She was right, he was the worst loser on earth.

"I'm not a bad loser, right Ma?"

"Yes, honey, you are," she said, her eyes sparkling, because Emmett had called her Ma.

"You gave me a break, I was getting bored, winning against Emmett every day," Jasper said, clearly messing with Emmett's mind.

"WHAT? I always win! I kick your soldier ass every time, Jasper."

Everybody looked at me, I still had to say my goodbyes. "I'll miss you all, too." I didn't know what else to say so instead I just smiled for a second at the Denali coven. It was not a real smile, but they didn't notice. They all hugged us before we left - my hugs were awkward and cold, and the coldness had nothing to do with my body temperature. I just didn't like being hugged. The only person I hugged was Esme, and sometimes Alice, maybe twice a year.

After everybody was done with hugs, we got into our cars. Rosalie was checking the engine of her brand new M3. She did a couple of changes; she couldn't wait to drive it. Carlisle was driving his new Mercedes, and I would be driving my Lexus. Emmett's jeep and my Vanquish were in Forks already. I had just decided this morning I wanted a Volvo, and tomorrow I was going to Seattle to buy it.

Alice and Jasper were going to travel with me; they wanted to keep me company, so in a way of expressing my gratitude, I threw the keys to Jasper. "Why don't you drive? After a few hours you can exchange with Alice, so she can drive too. I'll drive tomorrow anyway and every day to school."

He felt my gratitude with his ability, but he was still impressed. Nobody drove my car, only in necessary situations. Alice was smiling brightly. She knew this was going to happen, but she liked to actually see it.

"Tomorrow at this hour, we'll be in Forks," she said in a confident tone.

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**Thank you reading and please leave me a review? **

**I'm sending chapter three to PTB right now, so I will update soon.**

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	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you Project Team Beta for helping me.**

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Chapter 3:

It only took five minutes in Forks to know that this town was not going to be enjoyable. Everything was so generic; nothing graceful and nothing new. It was cloudy, not even a bit of sun peeked through. I didn't know what to think about that, whether or not it was good or bad.

Good because that way, we looked almost normal so we could go to school. It was perfect for our show. Bad because I liked the sun; it gave me a little heat and light. I was tired of shadows. There was nothing interesting and it reminded me of what I was, a creature of the darkness, a monster.

_I know what you are thinking, stop!_

I looked at my sister with a raised eyebrow. "And what's that?"

Of course she knew, Alice knew everything. She was not a mind reader, but she was perceptive. She _saw_ people instead of just looking, and she _listened_ instead of just hearing.

"Hating yourself, thinking you are a monster, that you don't deserve anything..."

I cut her off, "I'm not hating myself, I accept what I am. I am a monster, but I do deserve things. _Right now_ for example, I deserve my new car. Can we leave already?"

I knew this wasn't over. She wouldn't give up that easily.

"I may not be a mind reader, but I know that face, the disgusted face, all self-disgust, you have been wearing it a lot lately." She had a desperate look on her face, a look I had only seen on her when something bad was about to happen.

She had had a vision, it was obvious. I concentrated on her mind. She was carefully hiding it, thinking about different things at once.

_Jasper._ _Buying Edward's car. Going to Seattle. Shopping: Channel, Gucci, Dolce & Gabbana, Steve Madden, Manolo Blahnik, Christian Louboutin, Louis Vuitton. Jasper. Forks High. Carlisle's new position. The Bible in Spanish and Portuguese. _

"Alice, you had a vision, didn't you? You are trying to hide it. What did you see?"

"You don't have to see it, it's not important. In fact it's not going to happen, don't worry about it. Ready to go?" Her innocent face did not fool me, she was blocking me. Whatever she had seen, it was important, something she hadn't liked.

"Alice, please let me see. Maybe I can help?" She thought about showing me the vision, in the end she decided it could help.

_Please Edward, Don't do it. _She silently pleaded, before opening her mind.

In the vision I had an angry face, other emotions were showing, but that was the most visible. I crossed the door without even looking back, now I had determined look on my face.

"No, please, no, no. he's leaving, Carlisle!" I could hear Esme sobbing, but I didn't come back. Why wasn't I coming back to tell my mother everything was alright? Alice was right, that wasn't going to happen, I was not going to leave. I had promised to never do that again. Unless of course…_NO._

"You are right, it's not important. Ready to go? I already know what I want, a Volvo. The S60R, silver," I said with a smile.

"I already saw it, it looks fantastic, and fast too." Alice said and she smiled back, happy because I had a smile on my face instead of a disgusted or bored look.

She was still wary about the vision, but any thoughts about it quickly disappeared.

"Ready to go or not?" Jasper was starting to get impatient. He knew what would happen right after buying the car. Alice was going to torture us with a long shopping trip.

Jasper loved Alice more than anything in this world. Because of that he tolerated her shopping obsession. But he wasn't when he had to sit there for hours, but watching her walking around the store made him smile.

"Yes, we are ready! We are going to have so much fun! So what are we going to do… let me see… Edward, you are going to come back home in your new car. Jazz and I will stay for a couple of more hours."

_You're a traitor; you won't stay for most of the shopping trip! _She accused me with a glare. I just smiled at her.

two hours later I was driving my new car, following Carlisle's Mercedes, the car we had taken to Seattle. Alice made me promise to join them in a few stores, three at least. And she threatened my Volvo if I didn't. Alice never broke a promise, unless it was necessary. And of course, she was the one who decided if it was necessary or not. She was annoying, but somehow that's what made all of us love Alice so much.

"Remember, you promised! Three shops, an hour each… I mean it Edward," the little vampire said with a menacing look when I got out of the car.

I just rolled my eyes. "You are annoying."

She stuck her tongue out. _Well, you love me for that._ Sometimes I swear she was the mind reader.

Jasper just smiled at her in the most adoring way. "Please, let's just get this over with, Alice. You go and shop all you want while Edward and I sit there, doing nothing." She ignored him; she was already imagining the outfits with a huge smile on her face.

_It's worth it, sitting for three boring hours, as long as she is happy. _Jasper's thoughts were so full of love. Anytime he thought of Alice, his mind was peaceful, hopeful. He would do anything for her to make her happy. He would sit watching how she shopped just to see her smile. And I couldn't understand why.

Three agonizing hours later, we were on our way back to Forks. Alice was absolutely crazy; she bought half the store. She called it a necessary shopping trip. I rolled my eyes… _every_ shopping trip was extremely urgent. When we arrived to the house, I took the bags to her bedroom door. I never went into anyone else's bedroom. I didn't know why, I just didn't. I guess I already knew how everything looked.

I finally made it to my room and sat on the couch. _Now what?_ Music, I always chose music. It was my escape. What was it going to be today? Something loud. I quickly chose a few CDs. It was going to start soon so I had to hurry. I turned the volume up and the sound of electric guitars and drums filled the room and the entire house. I picked up a book. Maybe that way I could block out the minds of my family. _What an amazing life I have. _

On top of all that, tomorrow we started high school _again_. Yes, I was going to _love_ Forks.

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**Thank you for reading! Tell me what you think.**

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	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you PTB betas for helping so much!**

**This is... short, I know, but I promise longer chapters! *whispers* Chapter eight and nine especially.**

**Oh, I submitted this story to Twilighted and it was accepted! Yay Lonely Existence!**

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Like any other night, last night was torture. My gift was a curse. Even though I had an excellent control over it, I couldn't turn the voices off, but I could ignore them. I tried to convince myself that it was possible if I tried a little harder to turn them off, but my rational side argued and said that it had been like that for a hundred years and it wasn't going to change now.

It made me angry. Most of the time I just left the house for the night and went running or hunting. But I hated it, I hated that I had to leave _my_ house. A place I was supposed to always be at ease, but no, not only was I a horrible creature, I was a horrible creature with the worst luck of all.

No secrets could be kept from me; I could hear every thought, every lie underneath fake words. I lived with three perfect couples who looked at each other with so much love. _Love. _In reality, as much as I loved my family, it made me sick.

I was by the door waiting for my siblings. Did they seriously believe I lived and breathed for them? That my time belonged to them? That I wanted to wait for them? That I was happy about this, about high school? About being their personal driver?

If that was the case, they were very confused.

"If you are not down here right this moment, there will be consequences," I said with a menacing tone. Then, just to make sure they got my point, I growled, "NOW!"

They all appeared straight away. I saw myself in their minds; I was angry and my eyes were burning with fury. They thought it was stupid that I was angry because they were few minutes late. For me, the only stupidity is that they took so much time.

We reached the Volvo and I got in. Alice and Emmett were fighting over who got the front seat. I let go of the wheel because I didn't want to break it in a moment of annoyance. "Just get in," I groaned.

Alice took the opportunity and got in the car, doing a mental _ha-ha_ and she stuck her tongue out at Emmett. He cursed under his breath, Jasper glared at him and Rosalie glared at Jasper.

I accelerated and in a few minutes we had arrived at school. _Wonderful, _we all thought. None of us liked this. Well, maybe Alice did a little. She liked living like a human but high school was a bad aspect of it.

We hadn't even gotten out of the car and we already had everyone's attention. The Volvo looked out of place in this school. Shiny, new and expensive. I could hear the thoughts of obnoxious teenagers around us.

_They must be the Cullens; I heard they arrived here a few days ago. Five kids! Oh my God! If they can buy that car, they can afford birth control. Who wants all those kids? _

_Look at that car, they must be rich. _

_Ooh, rich kids, wonder if they'll be in any of my classes._

_Mom said Dr. Cullen is gorgeous… I wonder if his children are the same._

_Please, let one of them be hot, the girls in this school are becoming too cuddly and boring._

_I feel so bad for them, everybody is looking and they are not even out of the car! The gossip will start within an hour. I wish this town could be different._

At least one good mind. It was difficult to find that one.

I looked at my siblings. "They are thinking Esme and Carlisle lacked birth control, so we'll have to clarify we are 'adopted', unless you want to hide that you are together. They are also thinking about the amount of money we must have, Carlisle's appearance, our appearance, and only one person had sympathy towards us."

Without another word, we all got out of the car. I think ninety perfect of the school gasped, and the other ten percent had been hyperventilating or stood completely still. We never looked at anyone; we just looked in different directions and made our way to the office.

The lady at the desk, Mrs. Cope, couldn't complete a sentence, so I smiled, causing her breath to catch in her throat, and completed it for her. Jasper and Emmett were threw a smile here and there, and Alice and Rosalie were polite. She thought we had manners, and was planning to congratulate Esme for the amazing job she did. Also, she seemed to develop a slight crush on Emmett, Jasper and I.

Her thoughts took a different direction, but she soon controlled her mind. _Good God! What am I thinking? I could be their grandmother. _

Wrong. So wrong.

We went to our classes, ready to play human. The material was nothing new, the same as always: Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, Homer, the most interesting thing was Garcia Marquez' "One Hundred Years of Solitude". Ironic, very ironic.

I probably could recite the book now, I had read this book multiple times, and in different languages, including the first edition in Spanish. The humans, because were obnoxious teenagers, thought it was just boring.

The math hour went by slowly, the teacher had already started to hate the students and the students already hated the teacher. They had good reason to, why was he a teacher anyway? His knowledge was limited for a math teacher. He constantly called on me, trying to test me. I answered correctly each time I answered correctly, and in one occasion, correcting his mistake. I mentally cursed myself. This was not a human way. I made a mental note to never do it again.

_Arrogant boy, no manners, a silly little boy,_ he thought as I left the classroom. I almost snorted, if only he knew I was far from being _a silly little boy_, in fact, I was a _102-year-old vampire. _Classes were all the same for the rest of the day.

At lunch, I met up with my siblings and sat at a table in the corner. We didn't eat, but we pretended to drink from the cans and moved the food around on our trays. Nobody even noticed, they were too busy looking at our faces and bodies. Girls flirted shamelessly with me, but I didn't even bother to look at them or notice their efforts. I felt relieved when I heard my in brothers' head's that they too had been in that situation, not to mention Alice and Rosalie. It took little time for them to get the hint, their efforts were in vain. But one girl was going to be a headache.

Her name was Jessica Stanley, her mind was full of shallow thoughts, and her face had a permanent fake smile. All she seemed to think about was popularity, and now me. For weeks she tried to get my attention. She loved creating elaborate fantasies about us in her head, and she always looked at me strangely. She considered that what she was doing was sexy. She gave up eventually, classifying us as freaks. Which wasn't far from the truth.

Every day was the same routine, although my siblings never made me wait anymore, or fought over who got the front seat. Teachers quickly stopped asking us questions. Especially the history teacher. We were vampires. If there was anything we had a strong hold on, it was history. Gym was boring and completely annoying because of Jessica's annoying mental voice. And moving at a human pace didn't make us happy.

The nights were the same too. I left the house most of the time just to drive around, go for a run, or to go hunting. And on one occasion, when I was running, I found a meadow. It was peaceful, not a single thought forced its way into my head.

I walked to the middle of it and laid down on the grass. I closed my eyes and felt peace for a change, no expectations or demands from my family. I don't remember what it was like to sleep, but I was sure this was the closest I'd ever get.

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**And that is how I think he found the meadow, running away and trying to get some peace.**

**Every review I get is wonderful. Especially since this story has no lemons, no whores, no Bella. Every review makes me smile.**

**I don't have secrets for this story (okay, maybe a couple) so if you want to ask something, just ask. I don't think you will ask what I can't answer.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi! Sorry for the delay! I went to Lima for a week when I got the chapter back from PTB. When I came back there was a lot of new material I had to study and then I had final exams. Just now I got to check the comments and edit everything. **

**I want to thank you for reading and special thanks to those who review. Every single review means a lot to me, thank you.**

**As always, thank you PTB for your help and Lonely-Soldier for all her support with this story. **

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"Are you sure you don't want to stay here for the holiday? It'll be fun. Please?" Esme was desperately trying to convince me to stay in Forks for Christmas and New Year's.

That was not happening.

"No, Esme. Everything is ready and I want to go," I lied. I didn't want to go, I just wanted to have a break from my too happy family. "I can only imagine how boring this town is going to be for the next weeks." I was going to Manchester. It was rainy, cold and dark. Perfect for a vampire.

"I'll miss you, the music too. You haven't played in some time, you know how happy I am when you play, my song especially. One of the best gifts I've been given." I smiled at her, feeling bad because I didn't play anymore. I didn't know why, maybe it was lack of inspiration, patience, irritation, or embarrassment. Everybody's attention was on me when I played, and I didn't want all that attention because their thoughts came even more forcefully into my head.

"I know. I haven't had the time, I guess." She knew that was not the reason. Her first motherly instinct was to ask what's wrong, but then she gave it a second thought. _He does not want to talk about it,_ she thought sadly.

"I left your gift under the tree that Alice took _hours_ arranging." I paused and heard a scoff coming from Alice's bedroom. I smiled and continued, "Don't ruin the surprise, and as soon as you open it, _on the 25th_, call me and let me know if you liked it. And don't ask Alice what it is, she won't tell you. I made sure of it."

She had done that before, when I wasn't around. But this year I bribed Alice… or Alice bribed me.

_I have information that you don't want to share and my silence has a price,_ she had thought. Now I had to buy her a dress – Versace – that was her demand. Her Christmas gift was another story. She told me she wanted bags and shoes, all perfect matches, and all Louis Vuitton. Why would she want any more bags, shoes and clothes? Not even my mind reading abilities could answer that question.

_You will take me with you to Paris next year, Edward! Jazz is coming too, _Alice thought from downstairs.

Esme spoke, unaware that Alice was directing thoughts at me. "Not even a little hint? Please? It won't be perfume, I know that. I've heard some mothers receive perfume, chocolates too. I wonder what it is like."

Her voice was serious, but her eyes were filled with amusement. "That probably equals a mountain lion in vampire terms. Do you want one?" I joked with her. "You just call and let me know if you liked it."

_Edward, I will love it, no matter what it is. Every mother loves gifts from her children. _

"I know. I remember Mother saying that all the time."

_You still miss her._

"I'll always miss her, she was my mother. She gave everything up for me, including her life, which is not fair." Her thoughts were now full of foggy memories. One of the most amazing things in her life, holding her son for the first time, and then the most miserable memory she had, the day her baby died. Most vampires forget or found it difficult to remember their human lives – not Esme. She remembered like it all happened just yesterday.

She remembered having a bad feeling. She hadn't known what it was. She had gone into her son's room, found him unmoving then realised he wasn't breathing. She had cried and screamed for someone to help her.

The small funeral was the worst memory though. After the funeral, she had gone for a walk, ending up at a cliff. Esme decided she had nothing to live for and jumped.

All faded to darkness for a long moment and then an excruciating pain spread through her body. She had begged for death, begged for anything that would make the pain go away, both the pain of the transformation and the pain of her lost son. She lost track of time, only being able to think about the pain. Suddenly, it stopped. She opened her eyes, surprised to see a face she thought she would never see again.

I took her hands in mine and kissed her cheek. It made her smile when I did this, which was not often. I looked at her and decided to change the subject.

"So, The Radisson Edwardian, huh? I wanted the Marriot. I like the Marriot. I always choose the Marriot," I said with irritation.

She laughed. _It seemed appropriate, __Edward_. _Don't you think so?_ _Alice gave me the idea, ask her._ I just pursed my lips together.

Downstairs, Alice was grinning mischievously.

Esme left when Carlisle arrived home from the hospital; they were now talking about holiday plans in the living room. I took this opportunity to finish her gift. I began to write the letter. I just wrote, not once struggling to find words. When I was finished, I read it.

_Dear Esme:_

_I know I am not the best at showing affection, but know that I love you. Even if I can't say the words often, I truly do, all of you, no matter what. You are my family._

_I lost my mother, you lost your son, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry because it makes you sad. And you, out of everybody deserve happiness. I hope we are enough to fill that space in your heart. It will never disappear, but we'll try to make it better, I'll try to make it better. Somehow, even if I hate what we are, I believe we were all meant to meet and form this family. _

_I needed a mother, and Carlisle found you, and you were what I needed, desperately. A mother's love and warmth. Nobody will replace Elizabeth, just as nobody will replace your son. But you are a mother to me; you have done things my biological mother couldn't finish. I am not the perfect son every mother wishes; I've disappointed you and I'm sure I'll do it again. If that happens remember that I love you. _

_Merry Christmas,_

_Edward_

I sealed the envelope where I had put the letter in, took my bags and went downstairs. The family was waiting at the door, ready to say goodbye. Sometimes they were so dramatic.

"You know I'll be away only for a couple of weeks, don't you?"

_What did you expect? 'See you next year'? We are vampires! _Emmett's thought had a mocking tone.

"Being a vampire doesn't have anything to do with this," I said to Emmett. He wondered if he could wrestle with me before I left.

"Boys, don't fight. Emmett, I know you are thinking about fighting Edward, don't. Be nice to him, he won't be staying for the holiday! And Edward, don't provoke Emmett." Esme ordered. We both said sorry at the same time, neither of us meaning it.

"Have fun in Manchester, Edward! Don't forget about the gifts! Don't you love that you are staying at a hotel that has you name? Well, in a way. I would be so happy! It is a five star, so don't complain!" But it was not the Marriot. "Don't forget to call every day, and tell me about your day. Though I would know how it went already, but it doesn't matter, you just call. Bye, Edward!" Alice jumped and hugged me, quickly pulling away with a frown when she remembered I don't like hugs.

Alice went next to Jasper's side; he pulled her close and just said, "Have a nice trip." He agreed with me, I was only leaving for two weeks.

Emmett, not caring about my comfort, gave a huge hug and I pushed him away. "What's the matter with you, Emmett?"

_Good, he's mad. _Of course, he wanted a match. I didn't want to upset Esme. That was the only reason he was still standing. Rosalie didn't even speak, she just thought _bye_. She was thinking that she didn't have to hide her thoughts for two weeks.

_And I won't have to listen to her thoughts, _I thought bitterly.

Carlisle took the opportunity to say goodbye. "I'm sure we'll talk every day, like Alice said. Have fun." _Sorry for what I'm positive you are referring to as 'dramatic, unnecessary goodbyes'. _

Next was Esme; she hugged me, and I let her do it.

Alice frowned again.

"Remember you can't open your gift until Christmas. Alice is looking and we have an agreement, so don't even try." I gave her the letter. "Read it after you open your gift."

_See you in two weeks, _she thought sadly.

I waited for three hours for my airplane, I disliked airplanes. It was a closed space, too many thoughts, too many scents. It took me an amazing amount of control to ignore the burn in my throat.

The lady at the counter didn't even check my passport, she just stared at me. _Oh my god, look at him. He is so gorgeous! I've never seen anyone like him. Are his eyes _golden_? Strange, but wow, just wow. God, I'm staring at him. Say something! _"Have a nice flight!" I smiled at her, thankful that Emmett wasn't here. He would tease me, like he always did about girls' reactions to me.

"Thank you."

_Even his smile is perfect, good manners too._ I walked away, desperate for once to get on the plane. Now I liked planes.

I was in first class, Alice wouldn't allow anything less. She liked to travel with class. It was a little better, there were few people here, and I wasn't constantly bothered. Occasionally a flight attendant came by, and asked if I needed anything. She flirted shamelessly, but left seconds later when she came to the conclusion that I wasn't showing interest.

When the plane finally landed, I called Carlisle. It was three in the morning in Forks, so my family was definitely _busy_. Good. I didn't want to speak with anybody, not even Carlisle. I was sent directly to his voicemail. "Hello, Carlisle. I had no need to use the black box or take the pilot's place," I joked. It was a private joke of my family.

I didn't have to call the next day, they called me. They asked how I was doing, how was Manchester, if it had changed a lot after we visited decades ago, all the same questions.

"How many girls fell in love with you at the airport, Edward?" Emmett asked and then laughed.

"Emmett…" Alice and Esme warned him, they should be used to this. Rosalie and Jasper laughed somewhere in the background, and I could imagine Carlisle pretending to read.

"None, Emmett. You are behaving like a child." He then started saying he was a loving brother that was interested in his brother's love life, or lack thereof. It went on like this every day. They made a family conference over the phone, asked the same questions, Emmett would joke and then Jasper joined him. Alice asked about the trends in Manchester and the hotel, I insisted her I wanted the Marriot. Rosalie never said a word and Carlisle and Esme just asked how my day was.

It was now the 24th of December, 11:55 pm; I was on the balcony of my hotel suite, looking at the city, listening to people's thoughts. Families waiting impatiently; children struggling to stay awake, they were hoping they could catch Santa this year. A young newlywed couple was sitting next to the fire, enjoying their first Christmas together.

11:59.

Everybody was counting the seconds.

12:00.

Kids laughed joyfully when their parents showered them with presents, some disappointed because Santa had 'escaped' again. The young couple kissed and whispered 'Merry Christmas'.

12:05.

Not a single call from my family.

_Merry Christmas._

In that moment the phone rang.

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**Tell me what you think!**

**Are there any Jasper lovers out there? I strongly recommend Lonely-Soldier's stories. I'm in love with her stories, and I'm sure you would love them too!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello everyone! How have you been? I had the most stressing time at university these past months. Twitter was what kept me sane! Maybe that's just because there's a lot of Rob talk! If you have an account, follow me! I'm (at)vegetarianvamp_**

**As always, thank you to Project Team Beta for their help :)**

**And of course, thanks to Lonely-Soldier! **

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Chapter Six:

"Yes?" I answered. I noticed how dead my voice sounded. That was not good. My family was perceptive and they would notice.

"Merry Christmas!" Six voices screamed through the phone. Why were they screaming? Like I couldn't hear everything that was happening in the room.

"Merry Christmas." I managed to make my voice sound less dead, more nonchalant. There was an awkward silence until Esme decided to speak.

"Can I open my present _now_?" This made me laugh, really laugh. It was the 25th of December; she could finally open it.

"Sure." I heard the wrapping being carefully discarded.

"Edward…what…" Her voice broke. My gift was a recording of her song and other pieces I knew she loved. I didn't play anymore, but that didn't mean she couldn't listen to it. "Thank you. So much. I'm going to read the letter now," she said.

She read quickly, because seconds later she was sobbing. "You have no idea how much this means to me." I could hear Carlisle trying to calm her. That was not the reaction I had hoped for. I made my mother cry.

Again.

"Please, don't cry," I begged. I hated when Esme cried, it reminded me of the newborn days, when she cried for so many things. Her son, the thirst, desperation, all the confusion that plagued her mind. With Carlisle's helpful words, she finally calmed down.

"Damn, Edward. What the hell did you write in that letter?"

"Emmett! It's none of your business," Alice said. The rest of the family laughed; Emmett always knew how to make everybody laugh.

"How is everything over there? Boring?" I asked, knowing they would most definitely get defensive.

"It's not that bad, things at the hospital have been interesting," Carlisle said calmly.

"It's beautiful; everything looks so gorgeous with the snow." I could imagine Esme's smile as she said it.

"Not at all. I kicked Jasper's ass, the little one was nowhere near to warn him. And you are an idiot." I smiled. For once, I annoyed Emmett.

"Excellent, Edward, we are having fun. Can you stop being so negative?" Alice huffed.

"Screw you, asshole," Rosalie said. She liked calling me that.

"I agree with Rosalie," Jasper said.

"So, that dull huh?" At least I was in another city. I hadn't been in Manchester since 1951, and there were changes. At least I had things to see. "Nothing interesting happened? No one got arrested? Any mountain lions? Bears?" I heard four menacing growls.

Then I heard Carlisle and Esme say, "Be civil, it's Christmas!"

And then Esme exclaimed, "Manners!"

After a while they all said goodbye, they were going to keep celebrating. Thank God I wasn't there.

I decided to take a walk. The streets were empty; everyone was in their homes. The peaceful atmosphere set my mind at ease. That was until I heard the slight tenor of someone's thoughts. A woman, I could tell. I walked faster, but still at a human pace. Minutes later I saw a girl standing by herself. This wasn't safe for her. In her mind I saw determination, but also fear.

Ah, she was waiting for a man.

She was deeply in love with him, but previous relationships had left deep wounds in her heart and mind. It had made her wary, cautious of falling again. It was too late anyway, she saw that now. Love at first sight, she called it. She had cried once she had acknowledged her true feelings, and in a rushed decision, called him.

She told him she wouldn't push him away anymore, that she would be waiting for him, and that she understood if he didn't show up. She was getting worried now. She started thinking of how dangerous this empty street could be at this hour.

In my mind, I could only see one face – Rosalie's.

This was what Rosalie's return from Vera's house had been like, empty streets, few lights. And then she ran into those things, the ones who damaged her in the most disgusting and horrible ways.

Yes, Rosalie was not a little angel fallen from the sky. But the things that had happened to her, what those monsters had done to her – it made the angry and thirsty creature I so carefully locked away roar with fury.

If I focused carefully, I could hear people getting drunk, or already drunk.

I had to protect this girl from the idiots that stumbled out of a bar and came this way.

"Miss?"

She screamed, clutching her bag to her chest. When she saw me all kinds of things went through her mind, until she finally asked, "What the hell?"

"I'm sorry if I startled you, miss. I just saw you standing by your own, you shouldn't. I saw some people drinking, and people can't think straight after a few drinks." My sister could tell you how true that statement was.

She was scared now.

_Is he going to hurt me? Maybe he's the one who has been drinking. I'm alone here. Please, God, let this guy be good._

"I won't hurt you, I promise." I'm only here in case you need my help.

She was going to have a panic attack, an unnecessary one.

"I'm Edward." I smiled at her. Maybe if I made her talk she would calm down.

She stared at me.

"You don't have to tell me your name." I shrugged.

"This is weird, you know? Do you often stand in empty streets and warn people not to do the same? I mean, seriously. Like other people don't have enough things to worry about besides the weird dude who stands in the street," she rambled.

I had the feeling this man who she was currently thinking about was showing up soon. I closed my eyes for a brief moment and concentrated.

He was definitely coming. His thoughts were similar to hers.

"What are you doing here, anyway? Shouldn't a guy like you spend Christmas with his beautiful girlfriend and prepare himself for hot, wild sex, after the romantic evening instead of… doing whatever you are doing?"

"No, I'm afraid I haven't been lucky enough to find Her," I explained.

"You say Her like some kind of ideal," she said.

"It is, my one and only." Also, she didn't exist.

She raised an eyebrow, surprised by my statement. "The girl who wins your heart is going to be a lucky one."

"I doubt it."

She shrugged.

The man appeared behind her, with the biggest smile in his face. I nodded towards him and she closed her eyes and turned around. I kept seeing her face in his mind, when she saw him she looked relieved and then she smiled too.

I walked away but after a moment she called out to me. "Edward."

I looked at her. "Thank you, for keeping me company, and you know, for not letting me go into hysterics. Merry Christmas. And I hope you find Her."

I nodded and kept walking.

I stayed focused on the drunken minds of the men before, but I saw one of them fell and the others found it so hilarious, they were now laying on the street laughing.

The next week passed quickly and then it was 2004, and time to go back to Forks.

Back to the house.

Back to play and hide at night.

Back to hear the inner monologues and complaints of high school students.

Back to being the seventh wheel.

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**Thank you for reading! Leave me your thoughts. I think this chapter is very important because it is here that you can see Edward's kindness. He protected a girl he didn't know, but he did it anyway, because it reminded him of his sister. What are your thoughts on Edward and Rosalie? There will be more of that in the story and it's not pretty at all! **

**Merry Christmas and happy new year! Isn't this an amazing time of the year?**


	7. Chapter 7

**Here is chapter seven. This chapter was the first thing that came to my mind when I thought of writing Lonely Existence. More details about that in the A/N when the chapter is done.**

**Thanks to PTB for their help! And all of you, for reading and reviewing this. **

**Just as I don't own Twilight, I don't own A Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel ****García Márquez. The novel is mentioned in this chapter.**

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The days turned into weeks, and those melted into months. I was bored with this monotonous existence. Each day was filled with the same circular routine that we'd been going through since the very start of our pathetic existence.

The torture usually began at seven a.m. as we made our way to high school, the main torture chamber.

I did all I could to keep everything out of my head and my photographic memory. I already saw too many things that were impossible to forget. Jessica Stanley kept having those fantasies, Mike Newton kept thinking he was the best thing on the planet. Similarly, Tyler was convinced nobody could say no to him and that he would have the best future of the class. I had to laugh at myself. Had he not seen his grades?

Mrs. Cope still chanted in her mind,_ He's too young._ She was married, which made her feel terrible and ashamed of her attraction to me. It was worse for me, the one that had to hear her mental battle, despite my efforts to tune her out.

It was impossible.

I had to admit, it was fun listening to and seeing the frustration we caused the teachers. We knew much more than them; we should have been the ones teaching. They often challenged new kids with more questions than usual. Not us. We each had a specific subject where our "specialties" came in handy. For me, those moments happened in Spanish, where I couldn't help but brag of my fluent Spanish. Señora Goff was surprised when I corrected a conjugation. Jasper had to fight the urge to tell the American History teacher he was wrong almost every five minutes.

They soon avoided whatever possibility of being corrected and humiliated by _children_.

Of course, everyone thought we cheated. Mr. Varner would rather believe anyone was cheating than think any student was smarter and better than him. Emmett, of course being Emmett, said that I technically was, because I was a mind reader.

Once we got home, the real _fun_ began. On a good day, something that did not happen very often, I'd talk to Esme and the others, maybe listen to music. On a bad day, which was every day, I'd go through something rather horrifying: I'd see my brothers and sisters, or worse, the two people I considered my parents, 'going at it' as Emmett put it in his mind. This happened so many times that if I were human, I would be mentally scarred for the rest of my existence for the things I knew Carlisle did to Esme.

Each time, I'd shake my head to try and rid my memory of those images. I'd try to block the thoughts by pumping loud music into my room or reciting and reading any language that wasn't English.

My methods were not successful; eventually I had to get out of the house, _my_ house, so they could have fun.

This was the way the angels in heaven were making me pay for my sins.

It was rather unfair that I had to play hide and seek without being sought. While they were living in sweet bliss, their very own piece of heaven, I had to stay in purgatory. If I ever considered leaving, a family emergency would ensue, complete with begging and all. Insulting, too, when it came to Rosalie.

Sometimes, the circular motion would drive me to a point of near insanity; it was at those moments when I wondered if the vegetarian lifestyle was enough. At least if I gave into nature, I could live a bit, occupy my mind. Find my prey, stalk them, lure them into complacency, and when they least expected attack them and satisfying my never ending thirst. And since each human had different habits and styles, I was sure I could always be entertained. So much better than this repetitive, boring script Carlisle set for us.

But then I'd look at my family. My family, that had been a part of me for decades. All I had to do was look at Carlisle and Esme and to know I was needed. One look at my parents and I knew I couldn't throw it away. No, I couldn't disappoint.

I wasn't allowed to.

It seemed that today was going to be a bad day. We were barely in the house for five minutes before Emmett started thinking about Rosalie in ways that made me clench my fists and want to run out of the house. Or maybe even out of the state.

"Could you please wait until we all get settled in before you start plotting what new things you want to try with Rosalie?" I spat.

"Oh, stop being such a prude, Edward. Believe me, when it happens to you, you'll understand," he said, a small smirk playing on his lips. I rolled my eyes, then turned and walked away, knowing that smirk he wanted a fight.

Suddenly, Emmett's thoughts filled my head. Images of his many times with Rosalie filtered in and out, and just as quickly as they started, they stopped on one particularly graphic one — his first time. He went on to describe it as the best in his life.

The image made me so mad that I snapped. He did it on purpose; why, I would never understand. I lunged at Emmett. I won of course, and this time I did take advantage of my cursed mind reading abilities. If Emmett wanted to play this game, then so would I.

But Emmett somehow still described it as one of the best fights of the Cullen family and his life. I was about to correct him. I was about to tell him he did not have a life, he had a dammed existence. But Carlisle knew me too well and shot me a warning glance.

_Don't ruin his fun, Edward. And I am not happy about that fight._

Of course, it was always about them; I was not taken in consideration. Did Carlisle know what Emmett was thinking? No, I was the one that had to deal with their thoughts. I didn't ask for this life or this gift; I didn't welcome the intrusion to my mind; I didn't welcome the piercing mental voices.

I didn't welcome anything I had.

I wanted to laugh whenever I heard a human thinking how lucky we were, adopted by the wealthy doctor and his lovely wife. How could they be so blind? There was no such thing as luck in my existence, could they not see? How difficult it was for me to smile? And my family, they disappointed me. They could see, but they chose to ignore it. They couldn't deal with it.

Ignorance was bliss.

I was tired of sitting and waiting for something that was not coming, and I couldn't understand why. Had I sinned? Yes, I committed many murders, but so had Jasper. And he had Alice. So why? What had I done to deserve this?

I ignored the melancholy this inspired and went to my room. On the way Jasper gave me an understanding look. _Don't worry, nobody will know, not even Alice. _I projected my gratitude and ran to my room.

I had noticed in Jasper's thoughts how the lust was increasing every second so I picked books and made a playlist with my iPod. I chuckled when I remembered the day I found out about this. I was so happy; finally somewhere where I could put all my music and have it wherever I went. My happiness was only rivaled by Emmett, who found every advance in technology fascinating.

It was always something loud with a lot of screaming for this occasion. My copy of _A Hundred Years of Solitude_ caught my eye. It was a first edition in its original language. I picked that book.

I translated word by word and it was still not enough.

I was on page 122 when it became more difficult to ignore the sounds, the thoughts, _the images._

_Arcadio la esperó aquella noche tiritando de fiebre en la hamaca. Esperó sin dormir, oyendo los grillos alborotados de la madrugada sin término y el horario implacable de los alcaravanes, cada vez más convencido de que lo habían engañado.*****_

I slipped for just a second, and it was enough to see _everything._

I could see Emmett and Rosalie, trying what Emmett had in mind. It was wild and graphic to say the least. If I could, I would have vomited all over my carpet.

Jasper was on top of Alice, losing control, absorbing every ounce of lust and pleasure that she was feeling. Alice was completely lost and couldn't stop the sounds.

But what disgusted me the most was what Carlisle and Esme were doing. She was near begging him and he… he had no control over his thoughts and neither did she.

_More._

_Not enough._

_Please._

The vision Alice was about to have was eclipsed by another wave of lust Jasper sent.

My hand wrapped around my device I was holding, and it started shaking violently. All my pressure, the tension and anger were now focused on my hand. My other hand ripped a few pages of the book, my treasured book. I closed my eyes tightly, my lips curled up. I heard a satisfying crunch. I slowly opened my hand, gazing upon the shattered remains of what once was an iPod.

And the fury was still present in my body.

I threw the metallic ball at the glass wall and it cracked slightly.

I stood up slowly and went to grab my car keys. I thought about it for a minute; the Aston Martin was perfect, this truly was a special occasion – the day when I finally decide to break all my chains, to get away from this cage. But even if the Aston Martin was having a night out, that doesn't means _they_ would drive _my_ Volvo. I grabbed the Volvo's keys too.

I wanted them to know, I wanted to ruin their fun just like they ruined my night with the mental torture. I threw the book that I was still holding even more forcefully than the iPod, and the glass wall went down. The noise of shattering glass echoed through the house, and that got their attention instantly.

I ran downstairs, but stopped before the door. I had to say something; it would be rude to leave without saying goodbye. "I'm sorry for ruining your blissful night, but don't worry, I won't be here anymore to do that. Not that you ever cared if I was here or not." And with that I opened the door, stepped outside and shut it loudly.

"No, please, no, no. He's leaving, Carlisle!" Esme's voice was panicked; Alice's vision had come true after all.

I went to the garage quickly. I had to leave this place.

My Aston Martin was there waiting for me. I smiled; I hadn't been able to drive it in a long time.

Leaving was so comforting.

I pushed the car to its limits, and prayed that Chief Swan was not around right now, I was not paying attention at the moment.

I barked a hysterical laugh; as if God would listen to _me_.

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***Page 122, A Hundred Years of Solitude. Basically, the paragraph is about a man, waiting for someone, a woman. He is cold and sick, and he doesn't sleep waiting for her and he is convinced that he had been lied to. I hope you understand why I chose to add that in this chapter. Curiously, the line after that (which I did not add) is about a door opening. I remind you this is months before Bella arrives to Forks.**

**Since the start of this story, I knew this would happen, that Edward would leave the house. At some point, Edward had to be so miserable and frustrated with the situation that something had to happen, don't you think? This is what I think it happened. **

**Tell me what you think! Don't be shy!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Anyone still out there? I'm so sorry. Jeez. When was the last time I updated this? Well, I'm updating now, and I really hope you like it. Life just gets in the way, and I had a terrible, terrible writer's block with this story. Edward's mind is hard to get into, people!**

**It's not beta'd, but I had this one ready and until I got it back, it was going to be ages! Why wait longer? If you notice mistakes, please let me know. And I will replace this chapter with the beta'd version when it's ready.**

**Enjoy, lovely readers! **

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I sat still, staring out my windshield. I had stopped the car when I passed Port Angeles, not having the will to keep going. Unfortunately, it wasn't the same with my mind. It was racing, full of rage and resentment. I couldn't escape the angry and jealous thoughts or the insistent plan forming in my head, and I didn't want to. It would be a lie to say I felt guilty about what I was thinking; _I _had nothing to be ashamed of.

Underneath the anger were layers of sadness and worry. The worst part was that I didn't know why I was sad or worried. I should only feel anger and hatred. And how could I be blamed? I was the man standing alone, I was the lost piece of the puzzle, and it was always going to remain the same. I would never have a name next to mine.

Carlisle and Esme.

Rosalie and Emmett.

Alice and Jasper.

Edward.

Always and forever that pathetic, forgotten name.

Always last, forever alone.

Today, the realisation hit me as I finally saw what I'd been blind and stupid to see for so long. Why that was, I'd never know. Today, I knew I had nothing to hold on to.

Once again I wondered what had I done to deserve this misery, this solitude. It could only be a punishment for all my sins.

I killed brutally, murdered in cold blood. It was not innocent blood I spilled, _drank_, but it was blood. The filthy blood of rapists and abusers, the ones who thought they were on the top of the world, product of the alcohol and mental diseases they had. It looked like a good trade, a monster killing other monsters.

I felt bad for the poor, unlucky women who witnessed my rage before I told them to run. Or lucky to be in that place at the same time I was. It depended on how I saw it, my mood, and my thirst.

I always wanted blood, just one little drop, but I wanted more. That was my second biggest sin. _Am I atoning for that, too?_ I asked God, only to remind myself once again He couldn't listen to me. _I want to know why is the rest of my family not atoning for it like I am? _I finished even if it was absurd.

Anger. Wrath. One of the seven deadly sins. Yes, I was definitely guilty for that one. I had felt so much anger through my existence that even my mind couldn't keep up with. Right now I felt angry. So angry, it was enjoyable for me to stop their precious night with each other. I scoffed. It wasn't as if they were considerate with me.

It was curious to find that I was jealous. Yes, in a way I wanted what they had, someone to love and to be loved. Someone that would take my lonely days away. Once again, I scoffed. That woman did not exist. I was cursed, marked.

I had luxuries, and those luxuries perhaps were not so well seen by heaven like it was for me. I knew having things that are not needed was considered a sin, but I didn't see it that way. I had money, so much money that I could pay the national debt of a small, third world country and my accounts would still be intact. I would still be rich. But it wasn't as if I was boasting about it. I didn't care about money; in fact I would pay a national debt of a needed country. But I couldn't do that. It would bring too much attention. No one is that rich. Or at least, that is what the humans thought.

I wondered if that could be considered a sin, too. Not acknowledging a sin and dismissing it. It surely was, it seemed everything I did had to be wrong and I had to make amends for it.

I looked at the sky and yet again asked foolishly, _when are you going to grant me forgiveness? _

After that my sins seemed common, not for a great punishment. Or that was how I saw it. Again, maybe it just because it was me.

For a minute I thought of my family and their sins. I could read their minds, and maybe sometimes I knew them better than they knew themselves. Their sins were, too, unforgivable. Even Carlisle had sins in his _perfect_ record.

Lust.

All the members of my family had that sin in the record. It seemed that was one of the few I was safe from, carnal lust.

But when I started thinking about Jasper, I couldn't help but laugh. He is guilty of almost every sin in the holy bible and there he was, in the big white house, sending wild waves of lust to Alice. The entire house was affected by the lust wave, making the moans louder and louder.

He had bad days, sure. But those bad days lasted only two decades, before that he enjoyed the violence, the things he did with Maria, and the blood. For a hundred years he did all those things, and I only did it for a decade. He had Alice, his mate, his life. I had nothing.

If only Carlisle would have let me die, if he hadn't taken my mother's words so seriously, everything would have gone perfectly. I would have died, as it was meant to be, and I wouldn't have to go through all this.

My last human days, I remembered clearly, or as clearly as I could. I clung to those thoughts and memories during my transformation and my newborn days. They were foggy through human eyes, but I had a free pass to Carlisle's mind, and he saw my mother's face and heard her voice without any human complications. I saw her begging him to save me, telling him that I was not supposed to die because my life had only just started.

_My mother. _The single thought sent a painful pang to my stone heart.

She didn't know that my life was over that day, she and I would have been together in whatever place good people went when they die. I _was_ good then, human and pure. I respected and honoured my parents, I prayed to the Lord, and I avoided sin in every way possible. I did not understand it, and the few sins I had committed, were atoned for with every prayer my mother taught me.

I had the same thought until this day, _it should be me__,_ and it was not a lie. I had arrived in a worse condition than her, but she refused to take medicine, or let the nurses take her of her, claiming that her only purpose was to take care of me and demanding with every ounce of strength she had left that they got all their attention on me. She whispered softly in my ear when my fever was too high, and I begged her to go rest and let the nurses do something. Her skin felt as hot as mine and she looked tired.

She talked to me all the time, even when I slept. I only knew this because I was awake, but too weak and ill to open my eyes. I was pretending to sleep when I felt her sitting next to me, on the edge of my bed. She ran her hand delicately through my hair, and then she spoke.

"Seventeen years, Edward, and your hair remains the same, even after all my efforts to make it look better." She remained silent for a minute. Then, she spoke again, "I am so proud of being your mother, and I'm sorry, I wish I could have brought you to a better world." She had no idea how bad the world was then, and how it would keep degrading itself.

"But you have so much to live. And I will make sure you live, no matter what, I will make sure of it, or I will not rest in peace. I'm sorry because I don't know what the consequences of my actions. Mostly, I'm sorry because at this point, I don't care, as long as you live."

She kissed my forehead, she told me that she loved me, and then she returned to her bed.

I'm not sure if I was sleeping or not, but I opened my eyes and saw my weak mother, she was barely breathing. I knew that my mother was dying, but still, I called for her. She didn't open her eyes. I prayed and begged for her to open her eyes, but she never did.

I was left wishing for my death. That never happened, either.

The only thing I could feel or think was the terrible pain all over my body. It felt as if I was burning everywhere, and then I started screaming.

Until this day I remember the pain, the flames that burned me from the inside and the desperate screams I let out.

Carlisle had been selfish then, he didn't just do it because my mother asked him, he did it because he felt alone. I was his company, the person he could talk to after so long. And then he saw Esme in that morgue, and I was no longer his company, I was the 'brother of the doctor's wife'. And that wife was so much better for a companion.

If I had to go back to the show, it would be my own version.

I didn't drive fast, or not_ too_ fast. That would make them take Rosalie's BMW. I wouldn't allow them to touch my car anymore, or anything that belonged to me. I had to drop the Vanquish, though, and that could pose a problem. Esme would try to talk to me, ask for forgiveness. I couldn't avoid it, so I had to be quick.

I parked the Vanquish and in seconds, I was in the Volvo. One part of my mind noticed they hadn't tried anything to take my car to school. Maybe Alice had stopped Rosalie, she sure hated me for interrupting her last night. Once again I laughed at how their night had turned. My night was twice as bad as theirs, like every other night. I bet they didn't like a bad night.

And anyway, it didn't make a difference. Rosalie always hated me.

I heard Esme's steps towards the garage and got out as fast as it could. I thanked she was trying to approach me slowly – as if I was a human child.

I arrived to school just in time. I didn't see any of them, but I knew that wasn't going to last long. I had some periods with them, and they wouldn't let that opportunity pass.

The humans already knew too much, they had seen them arrive in the BMW, and I had arrived to school later than them, in my own car. And the thoughts were everywhere. At lunch time, my mind was filled with all the assumptions and imaginary scenarios.

_Maybe he has a girlfriend. Was he seeing her? Spent the night? That would be so scandalous! But it is possible._

_I wonder what happened to make them arrive in different cars._

_That is a little strange. For two years they always took the same car, what is so different now? No, Angela! Maybe he just slept longer than usual, and the others didn't want to wait. There, that is a nice explanation._

I ignored the rest of the thoughts and kept walking, but smiled at the last one. I wanted to keep one good thought, even it was also filled with suspicion. When I reached the table, I sat down, but never looked at them.

_Edward. _Alice.

_Edward? _Emmett.

_Edward! _Rosalie.

_Edward, please at least look at Alice. She is not taking this well. _He thought of Alice in the last hours, her face when she heard the door slamming, her frown when she had a vision, and her face right now. Alice was full of hope and happiness, and the hopeless look she had in that moment made me reconsider my decisions.

No.

I wouldn't allow them to control my life.

With all the strength I had, I ignored Jasper's thoughts. I ignored Alice's visions, Emmett's questions, and Rosalie's insults.

It hurt. So much. But I had to do it. I had to do this for myself. As painful as it was, I had to.

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**So, what did you think? **

**I can tell you that it's getting closer to the end! I have received some reviews (thank you so much!) asking if I will continue this after Bella arrives. The answer is no. I figured we already know that story. Or who knows...maybe the occasional one shot. You never know with me! :P**

**Love you all! See you next chapter! Hopefully, it won't take me long. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Here's chapter nine, lovely readers. I must thank you all for you incredible reviews and even encouraging PMs! I must say I never expected anything of the sort, and that's probably why I get so damn nervous writing new chapters. Well, the Cullen family drama continues in this one, so check it out and let me know what you thought.**

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I walked out of the school with Alice following close behind me. The others kept a normal face and walked slowly. But the humans already noticed something was happening; I was acting too strange, too out of character as far as they knew.

My mistake, I failed to pull a perfect act.

Even thought they kept a normal pace and straight face, not once the mental voices of my family stopped. They just got louder and louder.

_Edward, please. I'm sorry, all of us are! _Alice wouldn't stop, even when lunch was over I heard her from the other side of the school. She everything about her was so strong, so loud.

Her thoughts were the most difficult to ignore; I always had a special bond with Alice; she was the sister I had always wanted when I was human, the one I missed when I became this monster – even if she didn't exist, the one I fought for days before giving in and smiling back at her. We were twin minds – that was how our silent communication worked.

I loved Alice and she tried to understand me unlike the others.

But when she couldn't figure it out she did what the rest did; she looked past it.

Besides, I couldn't talk to one and ignore the rest, and Alice was just as guilty as the others. She never stopped to think how hard it must be for me to live with perfect couples. Correction, she thought about it but ignored it. Pushed it to the back of her mind.

Was there something they didn't ignore but themselves?

Rosalie was thinking, as usual, about herself and how this could affect _her. _There was a part of her mind that kept insulting me. Rosalie had always been selfish when it was about me. If it was her or Emmett, it was 'fair'. Or if it was all the family, then it had to be done. She wanted to _force_ us, and Carlisle never agreed with her there, which is why she stopped sometimes. She was loyal and protective of her family, and that was a good trait she had. I just didn't know until what point that stopped being a good thing.

But when it was just me? She said _I_ was the selfish one.

Emmett was just confused. He didn't have a clue of what was happening. He just knew I freaked out and left. I wished he could understand, look at things outside his perfect life and see that this was more than freaking out. This was me sick of everything. Tired and spent. I just couldn't take it anymore.

_Edward, are you aware that this is not normal in human terms? Going by yourself in your car will bring attention and alarm. And the rest of us? Two minutes letting one of us in the car, Edward. That's all Alice is asking. _

But that was not what _I_ wanted, that's what _Alice_ wanted. They were ignoring what I wanted, what made me feel comfortable, again. Because Alice wanted something, I just had to forget about what made me comfortable? No. Not now. I did that too many times for decades. It was time to put a stop to it.

He had a point, though. If I just got in the car and left without even looking at them, the town gossip would be all Cullen news.

I turned around and ignoring Alice's frown and the other's hopeful faces, I walked back to the school, and waved at them, for the humans it meant, "Go without me, I forgot something". It was normal – human – to forget something in a classroom. I hoped they got the idea.

"He won't do it, Alice," Jasper whispered. "Let's just go."

"Typical Edward. Making a show," Rosalie hissed. _Oh, Rosalie. Don't you know our life is a show?_

"We should go home. Is he going to be there?" Emmett asked Alice. She nodded.

"But we should go to the hospital first and bring Carlisle home with us," Alice said. "He won't answer his phone, he left it in his office and it's on silent."

They got in Rosalie's M3, ignoring the looks the humans gave them. Some lustful, other suspicious.

I raced to the house and just like I planned, I was there before them. Esme was standing by the door but I didn't greet her when I went into the house, even if the look she sent my way made me feel a tiny bit of guilt. Pushing the feeling away, I went straight to the dining room we never used. I sat on the chair that faced Carlisle's, not my usual seat, as I always sat to Carlisle's left.

Not this time.

Esme watched me, nerves clear on her face, and made her way to the chair to Carlisle's right. She never said a word, she didn't need to. Her mind screamed, begged, demanded me to look at her, to talk to her, explain her anything, something. I never did.

The sound of Carlisle's Mercedes and Rosalie's M3 let me know they were a mile away and very fast. Both cars stopped at the same time. Simultaneously the doors opened and closed and then, after just seconds, five vampires stood before me.

Carlisle rushed to his seat next to Esme, who instinctively held out her hand and Carlisle took it in his. But Carlisle's eyes were on me, never looking away. I didn't look at him. Suddenly, the wall behind him was too interesting.

Wasn't this what they did? Look away? They couldn't look at me in the eye, or sometimes even my face, without pretending to find something very interesting next or behind me.

Because vampires clearly, obviously, found thin air something worthy to examine.

Did they have reasons to look away? Yes. Maybe. Who knew. I honestly didn't understand why, I didn't have pain in my eyes or despair, something that made them want to look away. In fact, my eyes held no emotions. _What emotions could I possibly have? I'm dammed, cursed._

_Self loathing._

_Thirst._

_Hunger. _

_Hate_.

The monster inside me snarled at me, very happy with himself answering my previous question. The thing inside me liked my suffering.

Carlisle still hadn't look away, and it wasn't just Carlisle, it was the entire coven.

Let's start my show.

"You are all aware of why we sit here. But, unless you decide to ignore that, let me remind you. Yesterday was the last I could take of _this_, I don't want it anymore. Yesterday wasn't some day, it was the day _finally_, after decades and decades, I'm doing something for myself – for my sake, for my sanity. That is, if you do value my sanity. I can't stand watching you, hearing you, anymore. This…_family_ is composed of three happy couples and the odd man out. That has always been the truth. I'm tired of that truth."

"_Your_ truth, Edward. Want to change that? Tanya is waiting with her legs spread open," Rosalie said with a cold tone.

I had to stop for a second, control myself.

She would never understand. She would never know.

I ignored her.

"I'm not going to live here anymore. I don't want your looks of pity, your empty promises or your thoughts. I don't want anything but to be left alone, have some peace. I can't get that here, not with you. I have to go away."

Esme couldn't hold it anymore. "Please, don't do it. I'm sorry, so sorry. I don't want you to feel like a prisoner –"

"I already feel like that," I said to her. Why lie?

"So what do you want, Edward? Do you want us to keep you company at night?" Rosalie sneered

I laughed. How comical and selfless of her. "I don't want company, especially if it is your company, Rosalie. No offense. You never did interest me in the slightest."

"Edward!" Emmett raised his voice, shocked.

"She doesn't show much appreciation for me, does she? In fact, you know how much she complains about me and my gift, if you can call it that." I shrugged.

"It's different!" Emmett scoffed.

"How?" I challenged. "You just don't understand, Emmett, don't even pretend to."

"Stop it," Alice begged.

"Nobody likes that their privacy is invaded!" He said exasperatedly, ignoring Alice's pleading.

"And you honestly think I want to listen to your thoughts? Do you really think I want this? Do you it makes me happy?"

"_Stop_," Alice said again.

"Edward, stop being such a –"

"Shut up!" Jasper growled. "Alice is _begging_ you to stop so she can see something. So shut up or you will disturb her even more than she already is."

Until this moment Alice and Jasper had remained quiet, but they couldn't do that anymore, they had to say something. Alice flinched and stared at nothing, her eyes were unfocused. Jasper was stroking her arm, calming her and bringing her back to reality.

Just then, Alice's eyes snapped up to my face and her mind turned into a chaotic mess. That made me look at her in the eye. I regretted it instantly. Alice had never looked so desperate and confused before.

"You are really leaving," she gasped.

I nodded.

"Why?" Alice and Esme asked.

"I already told you."

"Carlisle!" Esme turned to him with pleading eyes.

He closed his eyes, and for a brief moment his mind went back to the hospital in 1918, where he found me and my mother. He thought of all his prayers for me. He thought of his words right before he bit me. "Please, forgive me."

He opened his eyes and looked at me again, and this time I looked back. _Please, forgive me_, he repeated.

I closed my eyes.

I forgave him a long time ago for turning me.

"I have to leave." They immediately knew what I was saying. "I can't stay." _And I can't forgive you for the mental torture._

I opened my eyes and Carlisle's eyes were staring directly at mine.

The family understood then that I was having a coded conversation with Carlisle.

There was silence until Rosalie broke it.

"So you really are leaving. Fine with me. But how can you be that selfish?" She asked.

"Selfish?" I hissed. "You call someone selfish, Rosalie? Look at yourself before you do such thing."

"Edward," Emmett warned.

"Oh please, Emmett, I'm not in the mood for that stupidity," I snapped.

_I feel sorry for him. He's got nothing but a few voices in his head. _Jasper thought to himself. _But_, _I've experienced and seen the meaningless life love lacking of loves gives. I can't blame Edward. I would be a hypocrite._ He gave Alice a worried look and slid his arm around her shoulders. She kept searching, pushing her mind and her extra gift. She was trying to make a decision that would change things. It didn't change anything. _I just want all this to end so she won't worry about it anymore._

Of course that was the reason he wanted this to end.

"Drop the act, Jasper," I said in a low, calm voice. "You don't care about anything concerning this coven. The only reason you are here is because Alice wants to be here."

Alice stopped and looked at me in despair and shook her face. "Don't say that. That's not true! Jasper loves this family!" Jasper touched her shoulder and whispered 'it's okay' in her ear. His eyes connected with mine and he nodded. _You didn't mean that, Edward. _He was so sure of what he was thinking.

I hated it. I hated him. I hated everything.

"So what? He leaves and then what? What's the excuse we are going to use this time? Boarding school in Russia? Exploring his biological roots? Or are we going to have to follow him around? Maybe that is exactly what he wants," Rosalie said louder than necessary.

"No, Rosalie. I will continue to participate in the show. I will go to school but I won't come to the house," I stated with finality in my voice.

"No! You can't, you… you have to come… no," Esme stuttered.

"Why don't we come to an agreement?" Carlisle offered. I raised an eyebrow. "We shouldn't bring more attention to ourselves. Edward, could you still be the one who drives to school? I think one time for the M3 was enough," he said, a tone of authority started to slip in. Then, it turned pleading again. "Please, Edward. It's all I'm asking."

_It's all I'm asking, son._

Against my screaming mind, I nodded.

Esme shook her head. "Please don't leave."

I stood up. "I have to," I said.

I walked to the door and she went behind me. She touched my shoulder, and all the _events_ from the previous night came to my mind. I cringed and stepped away from her quickly. She gave me a confused look.

"I can't deal with this, with any of you," I told her.

I ran to the garage and left the house without a goodbye, but not before I heard Esme's dry sobs.

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**Thank you so much for reading. Any mistakes are mine and mine alone, so if you noticed any, please tell me about it. So, I need some theories. How do you think this will be solved? And in your minds, in what timeline are we? Answer to that question will be in review replies, and next chapter. Love you all!**


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